about the non-anon love meme
Mar. 3rd, 2011 05:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_ragnarokFirst of all - I have nothing but positive feelings for the person who started the non-anon love meme. Yay you, person! I applaud your intentions wholeheartedly, and hope the meme progresses as intended. I dearly hope that the misgivings I'm about to write about are nothing but the product of my own cynic, paranoid thoughts, and if there's the slightest chance of me harshing anyone's squee I beg you to skip the following post. It's truly not my intention to make anyone unhappy or afraid to express their love.
That said, I won't be participating in the non-anon love meme. Why not?
Let us take, for example, a specific person. I love her to death. I think she's amazing. She's pretty much my closest friend in online fandom, and the person I feel most confident declaring my affections for in public. I have done just that many, many times, and we've had some private discussions that strengthened my love for her even more.
Writing (and posting) the above paragraph scares the crap out of me, and this while I was too chickenshit to mention her actual NAME.
Why? Because I can't help but look at it and, helplessly, think - what if that's not what it's like at all?
I'm at least halfway certain she knows who she is based on that description. But what if I read everything wrong - what if what, to me, seemed a close friendship didn't mean the same thing to her at all? What if my saying this makes her feel obligated to respond in kind despite feeling nothing of the sort? Or what if she does like me, has the same worries, and thinks that I only said what I did out of polite obligation? It's a Catch-22: If nobody mentions you then nobody must love you, but if they DO mention you then they're probably just being polite. At least, that's how my mind parses these things; and that's why I was grateful for the anonimity of the first love-meme I participated in.
(And bear in mind that this is the person I feel MOST CERTAIN about in the entire fandom. Imagine how I feel about all the others. BTW, person, if you're reading this - no need to reassure me of your friendship. In fact, if you recognize yourself in here, please pretend you didn't or I'll get embarrassed. THIS WAS JUST FOR AN EXAMPLE OK.)
On the anon-love meme, I spoke of my affections for her - and many others - at length, and I felt... Safe. They might guess it was me, but they can't know - can't feel awkward because I follow them around like a puppy while they go, "That's nice... I guess." Can't feel the need to reassure them that NO, I REALLY MEANT IT, because if I didn't, I wouldn't have written it - no possible peer-pressure explanation. I felt happy, being able to go around and leave little loving notes for everyone who made my experience in fandom the amazing thing it is.
If I were to do it at the named meme, I'd be too self-conscious to enjoy myself - am I saying too much? Too little? Am I showing that I like person A better than person B? And must it be so awful if I do love A better? And what if I leave out C, whom I do dearly love, by accident? Adding them back afterwards would just make my attempt at showing affection look half-hearted. "Oh, yeah, them too."
So, yeah, basically this amounts to "I'm insecure as fuck and projecting". Which, yeah, true enough - but if we're absolutely confident and certain we're loved, what is the love meme even for? I tell fandom people I love them every day, in LJ comments and over twitter. Doing the same for a meme feels forced and awkward.
Also, this is completely leaving aside the imporance of reclaiming the ability to be completely positive while anon, which in my mind is an important aspect of this.
But in the end - love is, well, love, and I approve of all ways that help people express theirs. I just think the original medium is better. And if you disagree - well, go forth and express your love! I'll be here, cheering you all in the corner.
That said, I won't be participating in the non-anon love meme. Why not?
Let us take, for example, a specific person. I love her to death. I think she's amazing. She's pretty much my closest friend in online fandom, and the person I feel most confident declaring my affections for in public. I have done just that many, many times, and we've had some private discussions that strengthened my love for her even more.
Writing (and posting) the above paragraph scares the crap out of me, and this while I was too chickenshit to mention her actual NAME.
Why? Because I can't help but look at it and, helplessly, think - what if that's not what it's like at all?
I'm at least halfway certain she knows who she is based on that description. But what if I read everything wrong - what if what, to me, seemed a close friendship didn't mean the same thing to her at all? What if my saying this makes her feel obligated to respond in kind despite feeling nothing of the sort? Or what if she does like me, has the same worries, and thinks that I only said what I did out of polite obligation? It's a Catch-22: If nobody mentions you then nobody must love you, but if they DO mention you then they're probably just being polite. At least, that's how my mind parses these things; and that's why I was grateful for the anonimity of the first love-meme I participated in.
(And bear in mind that this is the person I feel MOST CERTAIN about in the entire fandom. Imagine how I feel about all the others. BTW, person, if you're reading this - no need to reassure me of your friendship. In fact, if you recognize yourself in here, please pretend you didn't or I'll get embarrassed. THIS WAS JUST FOR AN EXAMPLE OK.)
On the anon-love meme, I spoke of my affections for her - and many others - at length, and I felt... Safe. They might guess it was me, but they can't know - can't feel awkward because I follow them around like a puppy while they go, "That's nice... I guess." Can't feel the need to reassure them that NO, I REALLY MEANT IT, because if I didn't, I wouldn't have written it - no possible peer-pressure explanation. I felt happy, being able to go around and leave little loving notes for everyone who made my experience in fandom the amazing thing it is.
If I were to do it at the named meme, I'd be too self-conscious to enjoy myself - am I saying too much? Too little? Am I showing that I like person A better than person B? And must it be so awful if I do love A better? And what if I leave out C, whom I do dearly love, by accident? Adding them back afterwards would just make my attempt at showing affection look half-hearted. "Oh, yeah, them too."
So, yeah, basically this amounts to "I'm insecure as fuck and projecting". Which, yeah, true enough - but if we're absolutely confident and certain we're loved, what is the love meme even for? I tell fandom people I love them every day, in LJ comments and over twitter. Doing the same for a meme feels forced and awkward.
Also, this is completely leaving aside the imporance of reclaiming the ability to be completely positive while anon, which in my mind is an important aspect of this.
But in the end - love is, well, love, and I approve of all ways that help people express theirs. I just think the original medium is better. And if you disagree - well, go forth and express your love! I'll be here, cheering you all in the corner.
